A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
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first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food