For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
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Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
pelicons
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
peak technology
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?