Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
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Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
My work here is done
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together