Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
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my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
peep davidson
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
My kid鈥檚 preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
MOM: sleep tight, don鈥檛 let the bedbugs bite 馃檪
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can鈥檛 bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
馃帀Made my last car payment 馃帀
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I’m being attacked 馃槶
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.