I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
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ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
i like to flex on them by shrugging
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
selfie game