pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
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Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …