ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
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All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I love you…
…r dog.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
#Caturday
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”