I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
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Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.