Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
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shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.