Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
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[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know