Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
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[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
#Caturday
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.