You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
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[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”