If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
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Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Mhm.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.