You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
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If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
When I said I liked it rough.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.