Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
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Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Bring back the McRib
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.