Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
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On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Labreador
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.