Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
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4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
what the
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I think this should do it.
sleeping beauty
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*