Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
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a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Food gives you energy to nap more.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby