when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
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age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together