Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
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I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
me linking you to my twitter
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.