I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
You Might Also Like
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
How animals would run if they were human
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?