[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
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Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
My life in a nutshell
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
This is I, Robot all over again
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.