5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
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[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?