[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
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Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
#TopTip
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I occasionally drink every single night.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.