I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
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Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
This kid is a star!
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon