Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
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But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.