Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
You Might Also Like
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.