I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
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I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.