[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
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By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota