My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
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Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Taking phone security to the next level.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Sounds like a bargain
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No