So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
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i want to work in this restaurant
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Just say no
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*