[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
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If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
why am I working on Labor Day
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
These are too funny not to post 😂
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.