A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
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When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death