Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
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Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I can fix him.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?