Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
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Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
figuring out my emotional availability:
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?