Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
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Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity