Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
You Might Also Like
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
yeah not falling for this one
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.