PER MY LAST EMAIL
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I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Ken is short for chicken
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants