Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.