It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
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My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Aaaa…CHOO!
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.