Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
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Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂