4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
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They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped