Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
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My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”