Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
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If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Why soy sad?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.