ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
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Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
A Short Story.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.