I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
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Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.