[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
March 16
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*