My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
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It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Unimpressed
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!