pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
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He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.