I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
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Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“